My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
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receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.