Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

favorite tropes as memes

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”