My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Am I having a stroke?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.