My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.