My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
You Might Also Like
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
