My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
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Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles