My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
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Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Lmao
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
“Huge”.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?