my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
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Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer