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Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.