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Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
A Monday every week is excessive
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I’m not lazy
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
