My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
You Might Also Like
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Who says great literature is dead?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.