My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
You Might Also Like
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.