Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar