My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
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I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account