My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
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If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER