My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
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My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Bit chilly again tonight.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”