I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
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My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.