My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
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I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?