My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
our love story in four pictures
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
