Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.