My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
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my one true gender
Everyone pointing out that it鈥檚 suspicious how many AI tools are free, it鈥檚 because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Lmaooo she has seen it all馃槶馃槶馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn鈥檛 even get one house call from cps.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh