Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”