My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
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Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I need to sieze this.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time