Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.