My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
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I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?