Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

hi why am I like this

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!