My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
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*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.