My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
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me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Just had my nails done!
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
when there are deer in the woods
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
B
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix