my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
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One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
saving face 👀
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!