Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

how long have you had this for?

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!