my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
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him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?