my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
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For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.