Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

be safe out there!

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Miscakes

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.