*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?