(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.