(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
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When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
for all #parents out there
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS