My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
The devil.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.