My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.