My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.