My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir