Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just witnessed a drug deal

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

is this a threat

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?