Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

I’m listening

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.