My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
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Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
man i love columbo
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.