Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

shampoo implies shampee

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

A man of commitment.

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed