My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
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My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!