My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
The real reason evolution started..😂
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.