@gidget_76

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

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@MavenofHonor

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

@64spoons

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

@uhhmmily

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

@Twtercide

If you want the truth, ask a child.

If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.

If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.

@drinksmcgee

If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?

@stevevsninjas

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

@salamingia

Hi, is your resort child friendly?

Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?

*hangs up

@TheBoydP

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

@InternetHippo

[hell]
Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this