My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

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The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war


Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.


me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that


If you want the truth, ask a child.

If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.

If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.


If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?


Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name


Hi, is your resort child friendly?

Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?

*hangs up


Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!


Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this