Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

Proctology is located in A55

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.