Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.