My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
✌️
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How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.