My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
brian had himself a morning…
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*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.