Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Just take a day off

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?