Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

The human personality is made of five key elements

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

The future is now.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

is this a threat

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.