My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*