MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
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walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
A bold strategy
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Truly one of the great bangers
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas