My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
You Might Also Like
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.