My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him