My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.