My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I think I’ll stand
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Not today
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are