Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.