My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
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Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?