My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
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Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.