My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
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I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?