My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

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I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.


*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler


If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!


How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO


No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.


One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.


please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s


Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(


People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.