My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
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84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Fixed this for Shakespeare
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*