Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.