My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.