Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Limited budget

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

Me too

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move