My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
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If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?