Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

Twitter remains undefeated

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

If you breakdance you buy dance.

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

getting old is fun

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.