Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car